What if the Presidential Candidates Were SEOs?

Have you thought about what the presidential candidates would sound like if they were SEOs and agencies?  Just for fun here’s what I think they’d sound like if they were speaking at a conference or pitching a client.

(please note this is 100% fictional and meant for fun. I will not approve any comments that attack, are meant to be rude or personal.  This is meant to be funny and give you a break from all of the political stuff on social media sites.)  

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Bernie Sanders

The game is rigged!  It’s only for the big brands to win.  Link distribution is not fair. I’ll break up the sites that have more links and they’ll each have to give you 2 links for every one link they acquire.

But not only that, you’ll have the rights to their content and we’ll monitor who and how they link.  Google will need to give more of it’s traffic to Yahoo and Bing.  Facebook will have to funnel it’s engagement into Google so it can be monitored for fraud and spying and the two will play nice when I am president.

It’s a corrupt system to rank and I’m here to fix it and there will be free SEO for everyone under a Sanders optimization.

Hillary Clinton

I’m your nominee and next SEO.  With me as your consultant I’ll not only fix the gaps in broken algorithm penalties so that small and mid-size companies can compete, but I’m going to add 200 million new placements on the first page so that everyone has a fair chance at being on page 1.  My husband did this and I will too.   It doesn’t matter what TLD you have.

You don’t have to be a .edu, .com or .gov to have authority.  I’ll help everyone have a fair shot at ranking from the .shops to the .tvs and especially the .me sites.

Gary Johnson

(Yes he’s a real candidate)

We need a multiple engine ecosystem for a true distribution of traffic.  The 1990’s and early 2000’s had it right.  We need to bring them back.

You can have your links, you can build great content, but what does it matter when no one pays attention?  You’re going to have to work hard, stop using cheap tactics like blog and forum spam and put in a real effort.  I know you want to work hard and countless hours to hit page 1.

In a fair search economy, you need to bring Lycos, Alta Vista and others to the top and also help find and restore browser options like Netscape.  That’s the only way we all win.  Stand together and bring back the search engines of ole.

Donald Trump

Buying links?  Of course I buy links.  I buy links for gains in both Google and Bing.  That’s how it works.

I buy links and they come to my sites and I work with both of them.  So you ask me if I buy links, I’ll tell you, yes I buy links.

**In steps Penguin**

Of course I don’t buy links.  Only a moron would buy links.  You have no proof I buy links and I’ll tell you something, you know who buys links, the search engines, and they’re going to have to pay.

I’m going to build a webring so big that not even Google can map out the patterns or see how far it stretches.  Who’s going to pay for the servers, domains, private registrations and IP blockers?  Google.

They’ve been penalizing sites for years and taking their money in the forms of PPC ads.  If they want me to continue to talk about them and bring in traffic, they’re going to, no, they will have to,,, and I’ll tell you something, I’m going to make them pay for this webring that they cannot see, detect or map.  We’re going to make SEO great again and I’m going to make Google do it for you!

Ted Cruz

I’m not “lyin” when I say that we need to have faith in what the webmaster forums tell us.  The “script-ure” of schema and the original guidelines set by the webmaster world community are what we should follow.  It’s faith that nothing changes.

You can have text that matches your background, you can use the PR meta tag to declare your value because I’ll tell you what, as long as you follow my strategies you’ll win.  It’s simple as that.

I’m not a search engine insider, I’m the outsider here to lead you to rankings.  Thank you for your time and may Google bless you.

John Kasich

Look, I’m establishment, I’ve been in the industry for years.  I got local results and dominated the packs for companies back in Ohio.  As my career grew I did the same on the national level for marquis keywords.  I build links, I write content and I get results.  I have a proven track record you can see.

Sure I’m not flashy or loud, but the base core of SEO is that it’s all the same.  It doesn’t matter on a giant like Google or Baidu or smaller engines like Duck Duck Go.  Do I have experience with foreign markets.  Of course.

I used rel=”alternate” hreflang=”X” tags for Yandex and Baidu.  Yes, I put personal preferences above data and execute based on abstract beliefs, but still, my strategies work on Google and they work on Bing and when I’m elected president, they’ll work on Yahoo too.